Saturday, November 28, 2009

Keep It Tasteful

When you put it that way, I don't think I want to. Well, it's just that you're really aggressive about it. You're trying to shove it down my throat. One vacuum cleaner is plenty, thank you. I know I said I was interested earlier but you've kind of turned me off. The swear words didn't help. I'm no saleslady but I think I could probably help you get your point across in a more non threatening manner. For example when you said that the retractable hose and nozzle feature could be used to perform abortions, I was offended. I don't think many people would connect with that. Try selling the vacuum for what it is. I would go for the "make house work fun" kind of angle. Again, remember to keep it tasteful. So how about trying to grab my attention? What would you say? No no no. You can't insult people like that. What does that even mean.....'Bitch, would you eat a nasty ass carpet?' I don't get that. Instead how about saying "Hello. Would you like to have a look at our special vacuum? Why is it special? I'd love to show you!" I believe you need to love the product you're selling. Again, I'm no saleslady. My name's Tami and I'm a switchboard operator over at the Nestles chocolate factory. Regardless, I think that I am making some very valid points that could help you sell a whole bunch of vacuums. Another thing - Optimism! You'll go no where fast with that frown, Day-qwan. Day-qwan? That's an interesting name. How long have you been selling vacuums? Since you got out of prison....which has been how long? A couple months? Oh, well I'm sure you'll improve. Don't be afraid to nurture your customer's fantasies. What I mean is you shouldn't be so brash when you want them to do something for you which is buy this machine. Take it easy. Go with the flow. Sweet talk them into the deal. Do you have a girlfriend, Day-qwan? Well there you go. You know what I'm talking about then. Pretend that vacuum is your girlfriend. You know her well. You know her selling points. Go! Go! Tell that man about this beautiful machine! Ok, Day-qwan I appreciate your effort even though that man looked a little put off. Next time finish your thought. Power through the block...."This vacuum will make you come..........into a clean home!" Eh? Again, I'm no saleslady.

Inspired by: Eazy-E - "Put It In Your Mouth"

Friday, November 27, 2009

Bag Full Of Chips (We Ain't Talkin' Ruffles)

All I'm saying is that I think it's a little unconventional for a first date to be in a Brooks Brothers. No, I'm not really interested in looking around. I'm interested in talking to you. Originally I thought we could grab lunch and stroll around town window shopping if anything. Can I ask you what you do for a living? Party? Is that a legitimate job? I'm not really that guy who likes to go shopping. So...I mean, for future references. What I'm saying is...you know...if we make this "official" I'll stay at home next time you want to go shopping. Hint hint! Haaaa ha ha. Well no I'm serious actually. Yeah I mean we've only been in here for fifteen minutes and my arm is cramping underneath these clothes. I'm not a pansy boy! Don't they have shopping carts here? I don't know about you but I'm working up quite the appetite. You already ate!? Anna Christine Sophia, can I ask you what you had planned for our date tonight exactly? SHOPPING!? The whole time? Yeah I'm upset! I was hopping we could do something more intimate, a little more special, maybe something where we could really get to know each other. This is just strenuous for me. Really? Oh, that's great! Yeah there's this little cafe down the street. It's a really chill spot. I'm sorry...what? I'm still not understanding....you want me to pay for this pile of clothes? This is like 1500 dollars! I hardly know you! Anna Christine Sophia, I can't drop that kind of cash on you like this. You might be worth it, I guess. I don't know! What kind of question is that? I don't know you! I only have like, fifty bucks on me right now. Look, I don't think this is going to go in the direction I was hoping. Excuse me!? FRUGAL?! If I had 1500 dollars to spend willy-nilly I'd spend it on something worth my time.....like.....an Xbox.

Inspired by: Fabolous - "Throw It In The Bag"

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Ghetto Gospel

Look Andrew, I don't mind tutoring you but I'm not going to show you my homework so you can copy it. How do you know my homework is even correct? You might copy it and I could be completely wrong about everything. So what if I'm Asian? That has nothing to do with my intelligence. I suppose you automatically assumed I was smart since I'm Asian, huh? My glasses? These are just glasses! They don't have any control over me. They can't solve a math problem. Of course I could solve it without my glasses! Actually, I need them to see the problem. But trust me, a pair of glasses is as simple as a shirt. No, it's just a sweater vest. Because I like the way it looks on me! Listen, I do well in school because I care and I do the work. What if I turned around and started stereotyping you! "Oh. Yeah. I'm Andrew. I wear giant size jeans when my body is really small underneath. I'm a tough guy." I'm not a homo! No I'm not! I can just tell that your body isn't as big as your clothes because they're baggy. That's all I'm saying. I swear I don't look at you in the locker room. Andrew, can I ask a favor of you? Will you teach me how to be cool like you? I'm tired of eating my lunch in the bathroom. Bombarded by hateful graffiti reminding me of how un-cool I am. Yes! Haven't you see it? They wrote my name in there and everything. "Christopher P. Wen is an Asian nerd." What's this? OH MY GOD! I won't smoke that. I'm sticking to my principals on this one, Andrew. It helps you study? I find that hard to believe. I don't think you should. There's not a lot of ventilation in this library. We should get back to work. Physics is fun. I don't understand why you have such a hard time with it. You can't be cool and love physics? Dagger in my heart! I won't give up my beloved physics for the sake of being cool. Only 3.5 years of high school left. It's not that bad. Hey! We're kind of friends now aren't we Andrew? How about we ban together and form a table at lunch. Not tough guys not nerds. Just a couple of guys being guys.....Andrew?.....Where are you going?

Inspired by: Tupac (Feat. Elton John) - "Ghetto Gospel"

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dessert or Disaster

We're supposed to be "in love", Becca. I came to hang out with you in your room because I'm "in love" with you. I had other things I could have been doing instead of sitting here being ignored. Paul texted me and said that Ian and Steve and him were going to Dairy Queen and that I should come. I texted back "can I bring Becca?" and Paul texted back "no." It's not that they hate you but you're just not fun.......TO THEM. Of course, to them! Yes. I think you're loads of fun. I like when we do it. You don't think that's fun? UGH...I wish you didn't share a room with your sister. God, she's always here. Hey Ashley.....what kind of tea is your bear drinking?.....Can she hear me? Hold on Paul is texting me. Nevermind. No, it's nothing. He didn't say anything. Literally it was a blank text message. Because he does it a lot. He's blind or something. Jesus woman! He said "dude this hot fudge sundae is making love to my mouth. I'm scoring harder with this hot fudge sundae than you do with your girlfriend. LOL!" I know. He's a jerk. I don't know why I'm friends with him. He's really good at skateboarding. Well I care more about you obviously. OBVIOUSLY I would choose you over them. I'm here right now, am I not? I don't care what your friends think of me and you shouldn't care what mine think either. Yeah I already know Melissa thinks I'm a dick. It's probably because I always imitate her. She has a humorous demeanor! Rebecca Margret Hutchinsan, I promise that I will stop having gut busting laugh sessions at Melissa's expense. I promise on our love! I would never smile again if you asked me to. I swear I would do it. I'd frown forever for you. Psh...I've always felt this way.

Yep...

Do you think it would be ok if I took my pants off?

Inspired by: Keri Hilson (Feat. Kanye West & Ne-Yo) - "Knock You Down"

Tri-Tri-Trick please, I'm the baddest bitch

Are you here for an interview also? Oh really. Receptionist? Oh really.

Listen trick, if you think this job is yours, you’re wrong. How do I know? Look at me. I’m here. No, I’m not being rude. I’m trying to save you some time. Your baby’s daddy is probably late on his child support (as always) and now you realize that you need a job to support his kid, right? Oh really. Look, shut the fuck up. OH! Don’t compare yourself to me, hoe. You will always loose. You ain’t shit. Can you believe that even in Russia they don’t have people as wack as you? It’s true. I was just in Russia and although nobody could step to me they still weren’t as busted as you. When’s the last time you left Ohio? Aye! You gonna answer me? That’s fine. Listen, Imma do me. You do you.

Oh shit. This vending machine only takes quarters. You got change for a dollar?

Inspired by: Nicki Minaj - "Baddest Bitch"

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm Amazin' So Amazin'

Coach, I’d like to speak my piece before you congratulate me. This is important.

Now, I’m excited we won the game. I’m a power forward in every sense of the title but tonight I was an entire fucking basketball team. I’m not saying you guys didn’t try because I know you did. I was there when a couple of you physically struggled with me for the ball. GUYS! It’s okay! We’re on the same team, remember? I don’t mind picking up where you slack off. What I do have a problem with is the praise the rest of you received after I sunk the ball and won the game. Tell your relatives to stay at home since they obviously do not know who to direct love and affection to. Why should any of you be hugged or kissed upon as a result of my achievement? That is simply unfair. Jason-I got a kick out of the poster your stupid girlfriend made you. “Go Jason! You’re the best!” If that were true then you would be the one who won the game. I’m sure you can all recognize my frustration and I can honestly relate to how you must be feeling right now. Seeing as how I have been served multiple detentions for plagiarism this past school year, I certainly know what it is like to take the applause for someone else’s accomplishment. With that said I hope you all stew on this for a while. My words are epic!

Inspired by: Kanye West (Feat. Young Jeezy) – “Amazing”