Been out all night Patron-in'

Do you have any idea how expensive it is to date a clown? I've spent more money on my girlfriend's bag of face paint than I did on my car. It's worth it, though.....she's worth it. Some guys come home clutching a fist full of carnations....I come home with compacts of rouge and white face powder. Look, fellas, we live in a modern society. Flowers don't cut it anymore. Flowers won't make your girlfriend's top come off. Or in my case, they won't make her extra baggy rainbow overalls hit the floor. And in all honesty, sorry doesn't mean sorry anymore. If you come home empty handed-OR, ok, let's say you bought the most beautiful bouquet of flowers in the entire world, right? and that's all that you have...an apology and some flowers. Do you think that's going to gain you entry through those pearly gates? It's not. In fact she'll resent you for it. 'What am I supposed to do with these?', she'll say. And you'll stand there like a piece of soft cheese, just flopped over. You better dash on over to Party City immediately after work and pick up the widest color pallet of face paints you can find! Be considerate, too. If you know that your angry girlfriend has issues with dry skin, ask the clerk if they carry paints with a moisturizing element. Fellas! I'm telling you...try and apologize to your girlfriend with words and see how far that gets you. Not far.

Inspired by: The Dream (feat. T.I.) - Make Up Bag

I'mma love her til she be like, "That's enuff!!!!!!"

Re: Still In Jail

Dear Mother,

It's me your son. I'm still in jail and I'm still mad at you. After an impeccable record of picking me up after basketball practice for years and years I thought you would be the perfect get away driver. However, when you never showed up after I robbed the bank, you won the worst mom ever award. WHERE WERE YOU!? You were supposed to pick me up at three! We went over this at least ten times. I told you I'd give you gas money! I said I'd take you out to lunch everyday for a year. I told you I'd buy us cool cell phones to keep in touch. And I made it very clear that I wasn't just calling you all of a sudden because I wanted a ride home from the bank. No. I called to say I love you and then I asked you about picking me up at three. But the reason I called was to tell you I love you. And you said, "Thanks. I'll pick you up at three, Gerard Timothy." which was weird because you sounded mad and you didn't say I love you back, you said "thanks". But I didn't think that had anything to do with me I thought maybe dad ate the ham that you were going to cook for dinner because that would really be annoying.Well, whatever. I'm in jail now. Lets talk about this. I've been reading the bible and I'm ready to make amends. I'm on page two. Come visit. 

Love reluctantly, 

Your son Gerard

Inspired by: T.I. (Feat. Keri Hilson) - Got Your Back

Bein' A Player Was Becoming Too Stressful

I would say of myself that I am a born again monogamous relationship celebrator. My story is a common one because today's generation is greedy and all about self satisfaction from multiple angles. Does that make sense? Well the angles would be all of the ladies I've ever loved. But even that's not true because I didn't love those ladies like I love, say, pizza. Or shit! My grandmas! But then I suppose you would never love a spouse the same as pizza or grandmas. Can you see how stressful it is to be someone like me trying to figure out love? I know you would never guess this but I was somewhat unsuccessful as a ladies man. I didn't understand the game. But more importantly I didn't understand women. I DON'T understand women. One minute yes the next minute no thank you the next minute WHAT? and the next minute GET AWAY FROM ME then the next minute STOP CALLING ME. And so on and so on. They're so god damn indecisive. My ideal woman would have a closet full of gray pant suits. Well because then I'll never have to wait for her to pick out an outfit and have to listen to her nag at me about how I always rush her because I don't want to miss the previews when we go to the theater. GAHHH! And I mean for once, JUST ONCE, why can't I be the one who gets the compliments? Why can't a girl tell me how fine I look tonight? Why can't MY ass get a little admiration? Who are these girls trying to impress anyway? I'm with them all day, lookin' a mess, walking around with tooth paste in their hair, wearing my clothes, looking like my teenage brother and then the minute we decide to go out they spend a millennia getting ready. I don't get it. I'm ready for Missy Elliot to walk into my life. I don't know, I feel like she'd be my kind of woman. Real low key but with tons of flare. Too bad Missy Elliot is a cartoon character.

Inspired by: Fabolous - "Into You"

Winin' And Dinin' For That Ass

My first date was a total disaster, Emily! My mom was being such a b-i-t-c-h and said I couldn't go but after I slammed my door five or six times and knocked the clock off the wall she finally said she would drive me and Billy to the bowling alley. I spent all afternoon preparing for this date. Basically I watched Christina Aguilera music videos on You Tube for hours. I wore those clip on hoop earrings that we stole from the mall. And this orange halter top that I stole from my sister. And this mini skirt that I stole from you the last time I was over. I'll give it back, shut up. So anyway, I wore that outfit underneath a baggy tracksuit that I stole from the athletic club at school. If my mom saw what I was really wearing under that tracksuit, she'd die. When we got to the bowling alley I ripped off the tracksuit and presented myself to Billy. All he said was, "Cool." Boys are so dumb, Emily. All I wanted to do was kiss so I figured I better start dancing. I ran to the bathroom to practice my Come On Over dance routine. Because you have to give them a show and then you can make them do whatever you want. Don't you know anything? He didn't get it either. By the time I got back he had a boat load of nachos waiting. I ignored the nachos and started dancing. I messed up once but I don't think he noticed. He kept saying, "Are you ok?" Boys are so dumb. I was getting tired and I wanted to save energy for kissing so I let him bowl for me and I ate nachos. When we were done I asked him to walk me home. I was sure that he would kiss me on the walk home. Instead he said he was going to call his brother to pick us up so we didn't have to walk. UGH!!!! He didn't even throw money at me once. I don't know what I did wrong.

Inspired by: Lil' Wayne (Feat. Trina) - "Don't Trip"

He's A To The Left Problem

Laaaaadies! I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes before except I stopped short of killing someone. But I get it Ebony! Dick makes you do crazy things. I feel you on that one. But you didn't have to knife your dude. Now you look stupid. You're in jail and he's still spreading his seed and what have you accomplished? I saw that knife you made. I was so impressed. I said to myself, "damn, she has talent." I said this to myself too, "where can I buy a cutlery set by Ebony?" What a waste. Speaking of wastefulness, Kimberly, I'm mad at you. You destroyed your man's property not even stopping to think of those less fortunate who would have loved to rock his Rocawear. You scoop up his things and haul that shit to the Goodwill. That's what you do. But I must not know that Destruction is your middle name. Thought I knew. Tiffany, you're trying to make me believe that you committed credit card fraud because your dude was cheating on you? Girrrrrl, pleeeeeeeease. I know what you said to yourself, "fuck it, this ain't no relationship. Where's that credit card? numbers numbers numbers numbers, GUCCI!" You all thought you were sly. I just hope you stay shinin'.

Inspired by: Trina - "Shawty Say"

Whatchu Think About A Convo?

I drunk dialed my physical therapist. He was really flirty the last time we met but I didn't think about it until the fifth glass of wine last night. Basically I asked him if he had a Mrs., told him how much I appreciated his choice to wear shorts to our last session and asked him what his thoughts were about Oprah's interview with Jay Leno. I'm not sure if I'm making this up or if he really told me I was too cute to have tennis elbow. Yeeeeah, he definitely did because I remember telling him he was too cute to have that lazy eye. Things were pretty silent after that one slipped. I started breathing really heavy against the phone and then I fell asleep. That's a little embarrassing. I'll be canceling all appointments with him. I don't mind being in this sling for the rest of my life. Receiving pity seems like a nice change of pace at this point in my life.

Inspired by: Trey Songz (Feat. Fabolous) - "Say Aah"

Thicker Than A Milkshake

I nearly died this weekend and I nearly had the most out-of-this-world time of my life. I went patroling for hotties Friday night and what I found was a hottie too hot for this realm. What am I talking about? A vampire, bro. A real life vampire, from the movies, but it was real life. I knew she was a vampire because she was too good looking to be an actual human woman. I realize my mistake was treating her like a human woman. I tried to put one over on her and she figured me out. The plan was to bring her back to my apartment. Everything was moving along quite seamlessly at first. She said she was going to get my blood flowing and I'm all, ok alright ok yeah alright, boner! Well, that's not exactly what she meant. Girl made me bleed! She bit into my arm like a Saber Tooth Tiger/vampire. This happened before we even left the bar! I was still determined though, even though my arm was pretty mangled. Wanna see? After she bit me I got all disoriented. Thankfully I was smart enough to tear the sleeve off of my new shirt and tie a tourniquet. Yep, then it was back to business. Did I think I was going to die? Yeah. It seemed like a definite possibility. You should have seen her though. Hips for daaaaaaaaays! So after we both got liquored up real good I told her we should relocate the party to my bedroom. Why beat around the bush, right? Besides, there weren't many hours left until sunrise and if we were going to do this we needed to do it soon. I was pretty excited until we were half way to my apartment and she barfed in the cab. I was really turned off so I was just like....later! The cab drove off into the night and I went to bed by myself. So nothing really happened. Except my weekend was ruined. And I might have Hepatitis. 

Inspired by: Juelz Santana (Feat. Chris Breeeeeeezy) - "Back To The Crib"

Best Believe Me, She's Gonna Get It All

I'd probably kill her. Actually, I don't know what I would do and that kind of scares me. I can tell you this for certain though, if that "Monica" came around my "Bill" I wouldn't be as passive as the O.G., H.C., you know? I think that Hilary really screwed up as a woman. That's why she's not president. I really believe that. I wonder if they still see each other. Like, on the sneak. I bet he does. I'll tell you this though, Monica will never marry. She's too hoe-ish. Okay, if I were her husband I wouldn't have any friends because I know that my world would be nothing but temptation. My wife (Monica) would be tempted to sleep with all of my friends and all of my friends would sleep with my wife, (Monica). But I would exercise that philosophy of "bros before hoes" and I would be mad at Monica and not my friends. If I were mad at BOTH Monica AND my friends I would be super lonely all the time. My world would go from temptation to isolation. I'd probably start a bunch of hobbies at one time. I would exhaust myself on hobbies. I'd still be hurt by Monica so I would probably get myself involved in a hobby where I wouldn't meet any girls. I would do something so manly. Like, learn how to use a jackhammer. Then I'd eat sandwiches on top of skyscrapers with a bunch of guys and we'd whistle at pretty ladies as they walk past. But we would just whistle because that's all you can do when you've been hurt.

Inspired by: Sean Garret (Feat. Nicki Minaj) - "Get It All"

Fuck the Polices

They say "fuck the police" because it's a trend. They think it's cool to disrespect us when all of their friends are around but let me tell you something, when their cat gets stuck in a tree we're not going to be there to rescue it. Some day they will realize what a necessity we are to have around. Right now they're impressionable and rebellious. When I was your age I was also impressionable and rebellious but in those days I was crooning the girls and smoking cigarettes because that's what the Grease guys were doing. You know. No, not Grecians. Greasers. Don't smoke, by the way. You'll smell like Grandpa all the time. I know that you're different though, Randy. The guys at the precinct would be really upset if you ever said "fuck the police". I think it might be a good idea to scare your friends straight. Show them what kind of heroes the police really are. Do any of your friends have a cat?

Inspired by: Lil Wayne (Feat. Short Dawg & Gudda Gudda) - "Break Up"

Baby, He A Local Joker

I didn't want Ashley to find out about sex the way she did. Here we are, Disney World, the happiest place on earth. I look to my left, I see happy children everywhere. I look to my right and I see a couple of jerks humping near the snow cone stand. Before I could shield her sensitive eyes, she was already in line for a snow cone. I'm not sure that she noticed them but I'm almost positive that she did. She was really quite the rest of the day. She looked like she was in deep thought. I asked her what was wrong at one point and she told me about this one time when her teacher brought a turtle to school. I don't really think that has any relevance to this situation but I think she was only trying to be brave for mommy. I'm an adult who's had sex behind closed doors (don't repeat this) and STILL I cannot stomach watching other people do it. Imagine what it must look like to a child of ten. To me it's like watching a hot dog eating contest, you know what I mean? Well our whole trip to Disney was ruined. Just ruined. I was so distraught for Ashley's sake. I keep replaying the incident over and over in my head. I'm about done trying to think of ways to keep my marriage alive. What's the point when he's going to fool around with someone near the snow cone stand at Disney World!

Inspired by: Gucci Mane (Feat. Nicki Minaj, Trina, Bobby Valentino) - "Sex In Crazy Places"