Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Winin' And Dinin' For That Ass

My first date was a total disaster, Emily! My mom was being such a b-i-t-c-h and said I couldn't go but after I slammed my door five or six times and knocked the clock off the wall she finally said she would drive me and Billy to the bowling alley. I spent all afternoon preparing for this date. Basically I watched Christina Aguilera music videos on You Tube for hours. I wore those clip on hoop earrings that we stole from the mall. And this orange halter top that I stole from my sister. And this mini skirt that I stole from you the last time I was over. I'll give it back, shut up. So anyway, I wore that outfit underneath a baggy tracksuit that I stole from the athletic club at school. If my mom saw what I was really wearing under that tracksuit, she'd die. When we got to the bowling alley I ripped off the tracksuit and presented myself to Billy. All he said was, "Cool." Boys are so dumb, Emily. All I wanted to do was kiss so I figured I better start dancing. I ran to the bathroom to practice my Come On Over dance routine. Because you have to give them a show and then you can make them do whatever you want. Don't you know anything? He didn't get it either. By the time I got back he had a boat load of nachos waiting. I ignored the nachos and started dancing. I messed up once but I don't think he noticed. He kept saying, "Are you ok?" Boys are so dumb. I was getting tired and I wanted to save energy for kissing so I let him bowl for me and I ate nachos. When we were done I asked him to walk me home. I was sure that he would kiss me on the walk home. Instead he said he was going to call his brother to pick us up so we didn't have to walk. UGH!!!! He didn't even throw money at me once. I don't know what I did wrong.

Inspired by: Lil' Wayne (Feat. Trina) - "Don't Trip"

Thursday, February 11, 2010

He's A To The Left Problem

Laaaaadies! I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes before except I stopped short of killing someone. But I get it Ebony! Dick makes you do crazy things. I feel you on that one. But you didn't have to knife your dude. Now you look stupid. You're in jail and he's still spreading his seed and what have you accomplished? I saw that knife you made. I was so impressed. I said to myself, "damn, she has talent." I said this to myself too, "where can I buy a cutlery set by Ebony?" What a waste. Speaking of wastefulness, Kimberly, I'm mad at you. You destroyed your man's property not even stopping to think of those less fortunate who would have loved to rock his Rocawear. You scoop up his things and haul that shit to the Goodwill. That's what you do. But I must not know that Destruction is your middle name. Thought I knew. Tiffany, you're trying to make me believe that you committed credit card fraud because your dude was cheating on you? Girrrrrl, pleeeeeeeease. I know what you said to yourself, "fuck it, this ain't no relationship. Where's that credit card? numbers numbers numbers numbers, GUCCI!" You all thought you were sly. I just hope you stay shinin'.

Inspired by: Trina - "Shawty Say"

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Whatchu Think About A Convo?

I drunk dialed my physical therapist. He was really flirty the last time we met but I didn't think about it until the fifth glass of wine last night. Basically I asked him if he had a Mrs., told him how much I appreciated his choice to wear shorts to our last session and asked him what his thoughts were about Oprah's interview with Jay Leno. I'm not sure if I'm making this up or if he really told me I was too cute to have tennis elbow. Yeeeeah, he definitely did because I remember telling him he was too cute to have that lazy eye. Things were pretty silent after that one slipped. I started breathing really heavy against the phone and then I fell asleep. That's a little embarrassing. I'll be canceling all appointments with him. I don't mind being in this sling for the rest of my life. Receiving pity seems like a nice change of pace at this point in my life.

Inspired by: Trey Songz (Feat. Fabolous) - "Say Aah"

Monday, February 1, 2010

Thicker Than A Milkshake

I nearly died this weekend and I nearly had the most out-of-this-world time of my life. I went patroling for hotties Friday night and what I found was a hottie too hot for this realm. What am I talking about? A vampire, bro. A real life vampire, from the movies, but it was real life. I knew she was a vampire because she was too good looking to be an actual human woman. I realize my mistake was treating her like a human woman. I tried to put one over on her and she figured me out. The plan was to bring her back to my apartment. Everything was moving along quite seamlessly at first. She said she was going to get my blood flowing and I'm all, ok alright ok yeah alright, boner! Well, that's not exactly what she meant. Girl made me bleed! She bit into my arm like a Saber Tooth Tiger/vampire. This happened before we even left the bar! I was still determined though, even though my arm was pretty mangled. Wanna see? After she bit me I got all disoriented. Thankfully I was smart enough to tear the sleeve off of my new shirt and tie a tourniquet. Yep, then it was back to business. Did I think I was going to die? Yeah. It seemed like a definite possibility. You should have seen her though. Hips for daaaaaaaaays! So after we both got liquored up real good I told her we should relocate the party to my bedroom. Why beat around the bush, right? Besides, there weren't many hours left until sunrise and if we were going to do this we needed to do it soon. I was pretty excited until we were half way to my apartment and she barfed in the cab. I was really turned off so I was just like....later! The cab drove off into the night and I went to bed by myself. So nothing really happened. Except my weekend was ruined. And I might have Hepatitis. 


Inspired by: Juelz Santana (Feat. Chris Breeeeeeezy) - "Back To The Crib"