I Make It Rain

I'm in the garden pretty regularly. This drought it death for my Azaleas. I'll tell ya, I never thought I could give my plant babies too much of that H2O. I drowned my cacti the other day. Oh, it was ghastly! I walked into the house with these little cacti in my hands and I was just balling my eyes out. Phil had to calm me down. I was in hysterics! I guess in a strange way I feel like God. If any of these plants ever piss me off, they're gone. That's it. Sayonara! I've gotten the occasional stick from my cacti but I would never care for them in vindictive manner. I make it rain and sometimes I make it rain too hard and too often. And sometimes I forget to turn the water off. Sometimes I'll start watering and I'll remember that I'm out of cigarettes. So sometimes I'll leave the hose turned on in the garden and drive down to the puff n' stuff. Does that make my thumb any less green? I think not. I think that I'm simply a novice. One day it will dawn on me. Enough is enough. These plants are teaching me about life and about living in moderation. There are many things in life that I need to survive. Love is one of those things. But when Phillip starts to smother me I shut down. I think that's what happened to my cacti. I smothered them with too much love. I took a good thing and I made it fatal. I feel like crying again.

Inspired by: Fat Joe (Feat. Lil' Wayne) - "I Make It Rain"

Don't Block My Shine, Shawty

Oh God this is worse than I anticipated. Yeah, well the only difference between this reunion and the movie about Romy and Michelle is that I'm here by myself while you're in Ft. Lauderdale. At least they had each other. These people are ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm here. If it's for an ego boost, well, I'm in the wrong building. Everyone looks great. I'm not going to lie. I know you can't see them but they do. They look great. Ok I just realized that there is no way I'm going to tell these people that I drive limos for a living. Well, I think it's embarrassing. What would be a cool job to tell people about? Are you kidding? No one is going to believe that I'm a celebrity trainer. I'm on the brink of morbid obesity, Kathy! Shut up. You're such a hag. How about dolphin trainer? I used to talk about that a lot in high school. Oh yeah, remember when I was going to move to San Diego after graduation? It didn't work out because I was in love with Gary at the time and he was a selfish prick. Ah, I mean I guess it wasn't meant to be. For real, at least. Now is my chance to be that dolphin trainer. Yeah, it is kind of like that Seinfeld episode where George pretends to be a marine biologist. If no one brings a rebel dolphin with them tonight then I think my cover will be safe. I really hope I don't run into Gary tonight. I'm afraid to see him. What if he has a hot model wife and he's a boss of a lot of people or something? Yeah I guess I shouldn't worry about it. Eh, right now I'm kind of just hanging out by myself. I'm by the food. The chipped beef is kind of salty. No! Please don't hang up. Ahhhh, I can't sit here alone. I'll look like a fool. Please! I really don't want to pretend I'm texting to appear looking occupied. Ok. Ok. You're right. Alright, I'm going in. Yeah I'm going to go talk to this mass of people. Can you just remind me how cool I am once more?

Inspired by: Big Boi (Feat. Gucci Mane) - "Shine Blockas"

I'm On That Kryp Ta-nite

HI!!!! Welcome to to The Body Shop! My name is Monica. We've got a bunch of fantastic deals. Smell my hand. No, it smells amazing! I don't know what it's made of exactly. It's called Kryptonite. It's apart of our Kush collection. I love this collection because it makes me feel nostalgic. It smells like my ex-boyfriend's dormitory back at Michigan State. But, you know, it's different for everyone. If Kryptonite isn't to your liking, I would suggest Bubba. The aroma makes for a mellow atmosphere. The hand creme is absolutely dank! Careful not to rub your eyes after applying the creme. It makes your eyes red and your eyelids heavy. Mohair does that to me but that's because I'm allergic. The best part about this collection is the re-ordering process. There's a phone number on the back of the packaging. Just give it a call and arrange to meet at a "drop spot". Be sure to have cash available. I picked up the Kryptonite candle for my Grammy. It's supposed to ease her Glaucoma. Plus it smells amazing!!! Ooooooh! These are super cute and super decorative. They're mushroom shaped potpourri. I have a bag in a vase in my kitchen. I don't think you can eat them. Besides I bet it would taste awful and make you sick. I probably should have said this already. It would be pointless to consume any of our products. I'm sorry? Unless you want to trip balls? No. Unless you want to take a trip to the ER for ingesting a bottle of hand creme. Sheesh...

Inspired by: Purple Ribbon (Feat. Big Boi) - "Kryptonite"

Got Me Singing Na Na Na Na Everyday

I think I realized that Take It To The Limit was my favorite song on Halloween of '78 I dressed up as a yield sign that read "Take It To The Limit". I was getting high fives all night long. Boy was that a great costume. And, gee, I mean it's such a great song. Char and I danced to it at our wedding. Actually it was the only song that was played during the entire reception. Char walked down the aisle to it. She's a huge Eagles fan and that's pretty much the only reason why I married her. I brought a record player to the delivery room when our daughter Shelly was born. The routine was the same when Michael came along. It's only four minutes and forty eight seconds long but it evokes such an emotion that is infinitely fulfilling. Until the song is over, then I need to play it some more. Last Christmas the kids got me one of these iPods that can hold roughly five thousand songs. I only got one. One song is all I need. When Char and I first started dating we would karaoke pretty regularly and I used to be able to do a spot on Glenn Frey impression. Would the girls swoon! Man, to be 25 again. Knowing that however old I may get, I'll always have this song. It will never die. It will be right along side of me as I take it to the limit. One. More. Time....

Inspired by: Sean Kingston - "Replay"

I'm The Hottest Bitch In Heels Right Here

It's been a little difficult adjusting to life as a woman. Particularly talking about my non existent dick. The other day I was fooling around with my lady friend, Deborah, and I whispered in her ear "I'm so hard" and her elegant woman face turned repulsive. Meaning she looked repulsed by what I said. I just thought "Shit Christine, you're fucking this up. She likes you because you have a vagina now." Yet I can't help expressing my feelings the way "Chris" (my former self) would. I throw the lesbians off their game. I'm not a butch dyke in the least. When people first meet me they assume I've always been a woman but little do they know I used to pack an enormous wiener. I like the way my jeans fit now. They hug my shapely ass in ways that The Men's Warehouse would never consider. One thing I miss about being a dude is the freedom to scratch my balls whenever the mood strikes. It's not appropriate for a lady to paw at her crotch in public. I'm learning this. This happened to me when I was in line at the Krispy Kreme. I was asked to leave the store! Isn't that outrageous? What a double standard! I guess that's the price you have to pay to wear a dress these days. I've never been a built guy so I'm lovin' strapless dresses. Especially with my new rack. Gosh, I just can't tell you how elated I am to be a woman in a woman's body. I only wish I had done this sooner. I'll never tire of having my hair brushed or nails painted. The basic luxuries of being a woman. You know and I honestly can't understand why Chaz Bono decided to give that up. Sure he could still have his nails painted but that would be silly. What it all boils down to is feeling secure in your own body. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I've gained a new set of plumbing and a new sense of entitlement. I kind of wish I still had my beard though....chicks love that.

Inspired by: Rihanna (Feat. Young Jeezy) - "So Hard"

I Don't Tell Stories I Let Them Tell They-selves

A lot of people would say that I have too much junk in my trunk. It's really a mix of throwback merch. and my rollerblading gear sprinkled with books I used in college. It's sort of like a junk drawer you have in your desk. You know. Everyone has one. I threw this bag of cat litter in the back of my trunk last winter to help prevent spin outs and it's been here ever since. I don't know anyone who has a cat. This is a bag of clothes I've been meaning to donate to Goodwill. It's from when I was in my message tee/attitude phase. It was also before I gave a shit about what I wore, obviously. This shirt simply spells "ATTITUDE" in rhinestones. Hopefully someone can find this t-shirt useful. I know that it's very specific but also at the same time, vague. What kind of attitude are we talking about here? Then again I think the rhinestones set the tone of this piece. Also, it will probably only fit you if you're between the ages of ten and eleven. As it should. Let's just be frank, rhinestone message tees are tacky if you're any age other than eleven. I also have an artillery of umbrellas in here. Most of them are gifts from various casinos that I frequent. This one is from The Flamingo in Las Vegas. They have the best hotel buffet restaurant where breakfast is their specialty. I recommend checking it out next time your in LV, NV. Yeah, I mean I wouldn't say trunk space is important to me when I'm shopping for a car. You should see my glove box. It's bursting to the brim with CD's and bank slips from '90. Yeah the CD's are from '90. They're from my LLCoolJ phase. I was taking a lot of money out to buy message tees.

Inspired by: Bubba Sparxxx/Ying Yang Twins vs. Queen/David Bowie mash-up - "Booty Pressure"

Even If I Got Deported, I Own America

I want to be Miss America more than I want to be alive. Currently I'm Miss Illinois which my mother says is an achievement in itself. Uhmmm, I'm not really nervous, no. Most of the girls here will tell you that they were the prettiest ones in their high school but I'm the prettiest one in this pageant and that's what matters. I don't really agree with the way pageants of this caliber are represented in the media. This is one of my topics of discussion, by the way. Of course it's important to have a hot bod and white teeth but you also need to have great posture. If you begin your pageant journey with mediocre to poor posture, it will take you years to improve it. This is where I segue into discussion of the film Miss Congeniality. You know, because she was an ugly cop and now she's a beauty queen??? Then Murphy Brown is in the movie and she tries to stop her from being the winner by blowing up her head via the crown. The Miss America pageant is nothing like that. We're really just a bunch of friends here. But if I knew about an exploding crown you can bet your ass I'd be the first to place it on a bitch. Miss Nevada. The other day, during rehearsal, we were doing a conga line. Miss Nevada was holding onto me but she was gripping my dress so tight that she stretched out the back. Now it looks droopy. I really wanted to pull out her hair extensions but I know that that would jeopardize my chance of being Miss America. I have to refrain from physical abuse according to the contract they had me sign. It didn't say anything about verbal abuse so I made sure I told her how fat I thought she was......and then I replaced all of her clothes with clothes that were two sizes smaller. I'm not going to lose to a girl who doesn't know well enough to keep her clothes in a lock box. I'm not going to lose because I'm alive and if I lose then I'm dead.

Inspired by: Slick Rick - "I Own America"